Sunshine and emotions

So I’m no expert on mental health.  I can only discuss my own experiences I have endured and am currently enduring.  I am starting this blog about kids, family and business as a bit of therapy as I have always seemed to write about things that play on my mind and see it as a healing process.
Do you know what I am loving about social media at the moment? I love how some of my fave social media accounts are getting more personal and telling their stories and experiences with mental health.  Its usually such a taboo subject but I have benefited by these women sharing their experiences.  It makes you not feel alone and that you can relate to others and be reassured that depression and anxiety is so common and that it’s not just you that may be suffering.
I wrote this the other day whilst laying in the sun inside with my french doors open.  Birds chirping, baby sleeping, the power was out (lines work being done) and I felt in a positive frame of mind. Soaking up the sun as I know its powerful healing benefits.
Recently I have been struggling with some inner demons.  Since having my 3rd Baby expectations of what it would be like were complete and utter shit! (if you do not like a swearer quick turn back now).  People used to say to me “oh the 3rd just slots right in” etc lol this was far from true for me.  If you are still reading and interested to hear my story then I am going to go back to the beginning of where these feelings have stemmed from.

So when I was in my late teens before children I suffered with a couple of bouts of anxiety and depression.  I saw a psychologist that helped me with breathing techniques and I had homework to work on myself which included brainstorming the stressors in your life and how these could be minimised etc bla bla bla. Anywho I got through it and over the years have known when to reassess stressors and feelings before getting to “that place” again.

It was also the whole couple of years leading up to having Dusty that was where this current journey had emerged from.  Knowing the depressive feelings I had in my teens was different but I knew that I was not “right”.  To me this feeling was anxiety.  Let’s take it back to when my 2nd born turned 3!  It was then that I had finally decided that I wanted another baby.  The husband wanted one for a long time but I guess I was scared because I know how physically and mentally challenging children can be.  Could I cope? Plus I was an ECE teacher who looked after challenging children everyday! Having two boys already and being in a leadership role at work was already taking its toll.  Plus keeping a household running!

Gahhh overload and a half! Mothers have it tough these days!  Plus people’s expectations of “oh you must want to try for a girl” etc was so draining and makes the topic become a constant echo in your mind.  So in the end I was yip fuck it let’s do this!  Boy did I not know the journey ahead…..
Nows probably about the time you should make a coffee and come back lol ! If you are still here then you must be interested to hear what happens next! So…… you make this plan in your head that OK I may get pregnant in that month and due then and I could potentially finish work on that month which did make my job a lot easier knowing I could have a decent break when I have baby.

I had no trouble conceiving my first which was planned when I was 23 years old after finishing my studies and becoming a registered ECE teacher.  We were ready! Baby with colic (whole other story there) conceived like in the first month or something ridiculous like that.  Baby number two I was off my injection for 8 months before things were working.  But that was ok because we had been told by a doctor that it may or may not happen due to my husband having cancer that previous year and the effects of the new type of chemo were unknown when it came to fertility so they told us to wait a year to try.  That’s when I first got the feeling of shit we may only have one child and that knowing this made me really want a second child.  Anyway it did happen (slightly before the year was up) plus you wouldn’t believe when I found out….. 3 DAYS BEFORE MY FUCKING WEDDING!!!!

Lol yip its funny now but I think I cried as I always said to my husband I didn’t want to be a pregnant bride.  But the bloody hens night hangover just didn’t go away.  So yip we had conceived two children already so I was not expecting the third time to take long.  Each month went by and with it came disappointment and every emotion possible.  doctors appointments,  money on pregnancy tests and ovulation kits it was bumpy ride that I will go into further on another post.  So after 15 months we were finally pregnant with Baby number 3! Relief & excitement!!

Fast forward to May 6th 2016 when I had my precious long awaited bundle that we had named Dusty since like half of our pregnancy.  The biggest of my babies he was so chubby, squishy and we were in love.  We came home things were a bit rough with sleeping and feeding.  Dusty was feeding like every hour and wouldn’t sleep longer than an hour at a time.  Because he was a fast delivery it causes a lot of mucus to remain inside the baby so he would choke on this and one time he went blue and stopped breathing for a moment.  So I was constantly on edge thinking my baby was going to choke and die. (seriously when you are not well you think and expect the worst in so many scenarios) I had also been stressing prior to delivery about my boy Tyson who was due to get his tonsils and adenoids out.  The two previous appointments had to be cancelled due to him being sick and I was just an emotional wreck and hormones flying around everywhere thinking the date would fall on me giving birth!

So the appointment was booked and I had my baby 5 days prior (baby 1 week early) so it was dad’s duty to take the reigns on this, although I made sure I was there for when he woke.  He was such a champ and it went smoothly thank goodness.  What was all this worry about I thought to myself! Fear of the unknown is what it was about! Anywho stoked it was over so spent the next couple of weeks looking after Tyson recovering and a newborn baby.

Every evening from 3-11pm approx Dusty would cry and feed (witching hours) but things just didn’t seem right.  It wasn’t until my very first plunket visit at 5 weeks that Dusty got diagnosed with a lip tie.  A lactation consultant then confirmed tongue tie also but was not severe enough to be treated.  The lip being fixed was not going to solve our waking and feeding issues so we decided against it.  Dusty was very fussy at the breast so feeding was very nerve wracking, I was giving bottles of formula to supplement although he would fuss on them also.  We tried gaviscon as I self diagnosed reflux as a possibility.  It seemed to help slightly so we just struggled on hoping it would get easier with age.

Then Dusty was just flat out refusing feeds and his weight had plateaued.  I made the hard decision I had been fighting with in my head for weeks.  To stop breastfeeding! I breastfed my other boys til they were like 12 months old.  So right yip decided that was for the bloody best so I could keep track of how much he was feeding even though it would be a struggle to get the feed into him I could get a break from feeding so someone else could help me out.  It got to the point where at every feed I would cry and I just felt so overwhelmed that things were not getting better.

I could not handle his crying from day one, I would tense up and feel angry or upset.  After more gaviscon and alot of thought I decided that right, enough was enough I had to seek help after having breakdowns every evening my husband would walk in the door, I was desperate for help and racked with guilt over being angry and sad in front of my children.  I hate them seeing me like this.  I believe it was all this plus more that contributed to me finally seeing a doctor and being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

Now almost 3 weeks later I am feeling so much better and feeling positive about how things are panning out.  It is a one day at a time journey so come along with me while I write about the past, present and future of the Ingoe family!!!

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